“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” – Beyonce Knowles
“Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere!” – Bubba Sparxx
“Whatcha gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?” – Will.I.Am, or maybe the other guy
ASS. Everyone can appreciate dat azz. It’s universal. Big ones, small ones, fat ones, firm ones. You just gotta love an ass! And wrestling fans, generally speaking, do.
First off, I should apologize for the clickbait-y headline. We’re not comparing pics of sexy wrestlers’ butts. If that’s your thing, there are a number of genuinely terrifying subreddits out there that you can discover on your own.
No, this is a ranking of POWERFUL DERRIÈRES. The keisters that look however they look, but provide a competitive advantage in the squared circle. Children once lined up to grope an deeply upsetting cast statue of Stacy Kiebler’s backside at Axxess. But in the ring? Stacy’s butt didn’t do much more than distract people during Dudleys matches.
More Professional Wrestling
- DDT Pro’s Comfort with Butts Paves the Way to Wrestling Utopia
- The Entire History of Professional Wrestling. All of It.
- Few Talk Show Hosts Understood Wrestling Like Arsenio Hall
Rikishi, however? He skyrocketed to main events with Steve Austin and The Rock once he started using his oiled, canyonesque hindquarters in combat. Or how about Yokozuna, who used his gigantic backside to crush opponents via his devastating banzai drop. Bret Hart narrowly avoided a particularly devastating one in India once.
From Kiss My Ass/Me Arse matches (and subsequent spinoff cartoon) to infinite stinkfaces, or the more tastefully named “hip attacks” used in high impact matches from athletic wrestlers, the fanny can inflict physical or psychological damage. In this list, we’ll get serious and discuss wrestling’s most effective haunches, and the Rembrandts of this wrestling style.
ROYCE ISSACS
“The Mile High Samurai” may be doing serious puro on NJPW Strong right now as (ass) a member of Team Filthy, but he once wrestled for DDT, where ally Danshoku Dino encouraged him to showcase his “kiseki no o shiri” or “miracle ass” in the ring. Isaacs used his gluteus maximus to do everything, from opening a bottle of champagne to somehow breaking the arm of Makoto Oishi.
Im really sorry to the chopstick family
Chopstick jr and lil Toothpick, my thoughts are with you— ロイスアイザックス (@RoyceIsaacs) September 24, 2017
But perhaps his greatest feat took place at the legendary Korakuen Hall, which involved snapping a pair of chopsticks that were the active DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship holder to earn the prestigious title.
NAOMI
The master of the Rear View, Naomi is a killer in butt-based offense. Not only can she jump so high that her whole body eclipses your periphery, but (butt) it might also break your nose. But what’s her secret besides her extensive background in dance and gymnastics?
I heard she got two liters of cement and papier-mâché in there.
— Ettore “Big E” Ewen (@WWEBigE) February 11, 2019
TONI STORM
Toni Storm, above executing a running hip attack on Io Shirai, is no stranger to ass-offense (assfence? hm) in the ring. But her strength comes in the velocity of these attacks, paired with the psychological effects. She’ll taunt her opponent with her tuchus, then bash their brains into the turnbuckle with it.
Hip attack right on target by #ToniStorm! Order #ForbiddenDoor right now! #AEWxNJPW pic.twitter.com/kp6oH5yXuL
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) June 27, 2022
KAORI YONEYAMA
The prolific creative genius behind Stardom’s Fukigen Death (and Gokigen Death, and Death Yama-san) uses her entire backside, not just her butt, in all sorts of innovative ways in the ring. Dropping herself on opponents like a cannonball, and using it as leverage with out-of-nowhere O’Connor rolls, Yoneyama devastates her opponents in both rings and Chocolate squares.
MR. ASS
As (ass) the patriarch of the Ass Boys, Billy Gunn’s firm, kiss-adorned bottom has been a focus since the Attitude Era. A new body-positive spin on his prior nickname, “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn, the streamlined “Mr. Ass” nickname made its debut in the summer of 1998, after a promo where Road Dogg demanded respect for himself and his New Age Outlaws partner. This also included a classic logo on his neon tights, an “All This…And A Really Great Ass Too [Kiss]!”shirt, and an iconic ode to tush:
This nickname lasted until 2000, but made a comeback in 2003, and still lives on via his Fameasser leg-drop bulldog, which requires some firm glutes upon landing to make the move’s impact worthwhile.
Just thinking about that time on WWE Raw in 1999 when Billy Gunn was backstage getting his ass shaved, then the Rock walked in and made the beautician swap skin balm for poison ivy. Man, good times. pic.twitter.com/GvzNVPpgh4
— Ren Mamba (@heat_heel) June 24, 2022
THE ASS BOYS
While Billy’s not currently known by his “Mr. Ass” moniker for copyright reasons, and technically, his sons are called the Gunn Club, the chants of Ass Boys towards his grown adult sons echoes throughout AEW arenas in 2022.
I don’t know why they get so upset about it. Their father embraced his ass-branding just as much as he embraced choker necklaces and Danhausen even gave them a new Billy Ass and the Ass Boys theme, created by Two Minutes to Late Night’s Gwarsenio Hall.
Breaking: @2M2LN and I have walked through the Forbidden Door via the very famous/evil @DanhausenAD.
The Ass Boys have finally embraced the ass and our special theme song gift @AEW pic.twitter.com/nPOi64gezz
— Colin Young (@ColinYovng) June 27, 2022
CM PUNK
The video speaks for itself.
