Disney announced its drink list for the Hyperspace Lounge today — a bar on the new Disney Wish cruise ship. Under the “hyperfuel” section is a selection of non-alcoholic drinks, and then, in its own section (you might say, a galaxy far away), sits the Kaiburr Crystal Cocktail. Unlike every other drink on the menu, no ingredients are listed. All that accompanies the title is an insane five grand price tag and the cheeky, not-exactly-proofread description, “the galaxy’s rarest and valuable cocktail.”
I am no fool (well, I am), obviously just putting a drink with that kind of price tag is marketing fodder for outraged dorks on the internet. I’m obviously participating in this. But I can’t help but be a little bit intrigued by what, precisely, Mickey’s almost-certainly-underpaid cruise ship worker/Star Wars bartender will be slinging in a souvenir cup for, I don’t know, wealthy Dallas-area orthodontist parents on vacation. What will constitute that particular level of Disney-fied excess?
I’ve seen a few good guesses. A popular hypothesis is Louis XIII cognac, which a brief google search reveals a ballpark price around $4,000 for a bottle. It’s possible, if highly unlikely, that there’s a… single drop of something like Johnnie Walker Diamond Jubilee in there, which runs 200k/bottle. It could be a cocktail made with a certain edition of the brand’s Blue Label, like the 200th anniversary edition.
It’s equally possible that the drink is just general top shelf liquor with some kind of valuable, limited edition, crystal cup with goofy Star Wars branding and a light up ice cube. Picture something like this $1,710 Artel Forest Folly Crystal, but with a Porg or whatever, and we’ve arrived at a $5,000 product. Get you a Kaiburr Crystal Cocktail! Maclunkey!
I like the Twitter user who insinuated that it’s a body shot out of George Lucas’ bellybutton the best, honestly.
This is all speculation, of course, and all in service of the brand’s increasingly deranged theme park and cruise ship Star Wars offerings. I’m honestly more insulted by the sheer mediocrity of the $50 Flight of Skywalker, which promises “An intergalactic tour through the flavors of the Skywalker Vineyards of Marin County. Rose, Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Sparkling.” That’s fifty earth dollars for a few glasses of (probably) mediocre wine for moms and dads who saw “the wine movie with Paul Giamatti” and want to feel fancy on the deck of the Disney Dream. In the Star Wars bar.
The Mickey Blog has the released menu of drinks.
I shouldn’t be too mean, I have enjoyed a stupidly overpriced drink a time or two in my life, and I have been on a couple of Disney cruises (my folks are huge Walt Disney World fans). I’ll say, the food for vegetarians is considerably better on Mickey’s boat than say, your average Royal Caribbean ship. I have complex, mostly negative feelings about cruise ships in general and the amount of food waste produced, etc. so I will simply end this meditation on Disney, Star Wars, late capitalism, and Sideways (a perfectly decent film, Paul Giamatti is indeed good in it) with simply this: the drink below could actually work.
Batuu – Spire Sunset ($15) Grown on the sides of the planet’s petrified spires. Saigon Bagur, Kamquat, lychee, coconut.
A spire sunset does sound tasty. If I ever find myself sailing the high seas, and end up in a Star Wars Bar, that’s what I’ll order.
