I’ve played too much Overwatch and now my entire mind is melting.
Every night I stay up until well-past the witching-hour, just escorting payloads and capturing points and escorting payloads and capturing points until the sour light of dawn peers over the horizon to judge me. “You stayed up too late,” the sun says. “I’m gonna curse the crap out of you. Here’s a goddamn nightmare.”
“Noo,” I cry, but it is too late. I am already dreaming a terrifying Overwatch dream.
THE DREAM ABOUT LOSING
My entire team is running Widowmaker and Hanzo. I am playing Mercy. They all die constantly, ragdoll bodies raining from the rooftops. Voicechat is filled with desperate, angry people screaming “I NEED HEALING!” but although I search and search, I cannot find them! The entire enemy team is standing on the point and laughing at me, though.
I wake up in a cold sweat, their laughter still ringing in my ears.
THE DREAM ABOUT BEING CHASED
I am being pursued by an exploding D.Va mech. It flashes and blares its terrifying alarm sounds, trapped at the moment before detonation– but it also chases behind me at top speed. No matter how far or fast I run, I cannot escape it. It only explodes when I stop running.
The whole time, I can hear D.Va’s voice cackling from the clouds, a booming cry like thunder if thunder was 19 years old and spoke Korean. “GG,” she laughs. “GG!! GG!!!!”
THE DREAM OF DARKNESS
My entire team is playing as Reaper. So is the entire enemy team. I huddle in the corner, sobbing, while “DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!” echoes endlessly throughout the map. The sky has gone black with pinwheeling deathblossoms. Reapers are literally materializing out of the walls. There are way more than 11 Reapers here! There are hundreds! Millions! I have entered the REAPER DIMENSION!
Nobody wins because nobody is trying to take the point! The match goes on forever, and I never escape!!
THE OTHER DREAM ABOUT LOSING
There is no healer on our team. Everyone on my team types “SOMEONE SWITCH TO HEALS” in chat over and over again, without stopping.
I try to switch, but I cannot. I can only type “SOMEONE SWITCH TO HEALS! SOMEONE SWITCH TO HEALS, ASSHOLES!!” over and over again until the flesh on my fingers wears away and my bones crack on the keys.
THE DREAM ABOUT THE TIME OF DAY
I am trying to walk down the street to get lunch but everyone keeps stopping me and screaming, “WHAT TIME IS IT? WHAT TIME IS IT?”
I look at my watch. It is the Hour of Death. I cannot say the time because uttering those words will bring down the wrath of the One Who Watches From The Sky Above. The cruel sun beats down. People in passing cars scream: “WHAT TIME IS IT??”
“I cannot say,” I yell. “Don’t ask me to say!” Strangers crowd around, pointing at me, screaming: “WHAT TIIIIIMEEEE IS IT??”
“It’s probably sometime around the middle of the day,” I cry.
There’s a deafening sound like the crack of a six-shooter and I wake up, sobbing, soaked in sweat.
THE OTHER OTHER DREAM ABOUT LOSING
My entire team is running Genji.
THE DREAM ABOUT AN EMBARRASSING POTG
I dream that it is the first day of highschool and I am Torbjorn. I have a terrible day. In this dream I forget my clothes, I forget my homework, I have to give a speech in front of the class, I forget the words to my speech, my turrets kill fifty people while I am lollygagging at spawn, I accidentally pop my ultimate while I am running back across the gym, I forget to take all my exams, I accidentally fart in front of my crush, I trip down the stairs and fall forever, and the teacher asks me a question about the Civil War that I don’t know the answer to. No matter how many times I shout, “FOR THE LAST TIME, I’M SVEEEEEEDISH!!” she keeps asking me to identify which was the bloodiest battle in Virginia in 1865 and everyone just laughs at me.
At the end of my terrible school day, there is a school assembly, and everyone watches my embarrassing POTG where I am making faces in the bathroom mirror while my turret kills literally a thousand people without me contributing or paying any attention.
“I’m sorry,” I wail. “I’m sorry! I don’t deserve POTG!! I feel really bad now!!” But all my teeth fall out of my mouth while I’m trying to apologize, and nobody can understand me.
I wake up feeling so guilty that I log into Overwatch right away, to numb my pain, but I end up playing Torbjorn in my first game and getting a pentakill while dead, while falling off the side of the map, and I am so embarrassed I cannot handle it. “I’M SORRY,” I type into chat. “MY DREAM!! IT’S COMING TRUE!! I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT!! PLEASE DO NOT COMMEND ME, IT WOULD BE A SHAME!”
But everyone just laughs in the voicechat, and their laughs get LOUDER AND LOUDER and suddenly I am falling forever, right into the Ilios well, falling and falling until I wake up for real with A THUMP.
I don’t play Torbjorn anymore. It gives me the willies.
