There are plenty of guides out there to tell you how to beat the many bosses of Dark Souls in the most efficient way possible, and everybody has an opinion about which one of those fights is the hardest, so we’re not going to bother covering those angles.
Instead, let’s take a look at the incredible bosses of Dark Souls from a different perspective: Kissability. I’ve ranked each boss from least to most-kissable, as scientifically proven after dozens of hours of research and testing. Let us begin.
(Please note, mini-bosses such as the Hydra, Hellkite Dragon, etc, were not included in these calculations.)
#27 & 26: Ornstein and Smough
Infamous as Dark Souls‘ most difficult and demanding boss encounter, Dragon Slayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough are far too busy kissing each other to kiss the player, and are therefore the least kissable bosses of the bunch. I respect their monogamy, but also think their relationship can be a bit destructive at times, and that they would likely benefit from some codependency counseling.
#25: Centipede Demon
Centipede Demon has like, five mouths, and none of them have lips as far as I can tell, just a bunch of jagged fangs to match all of its chattering spike legs. It was born from the loss of a cursed object and is just generally very unapproachable, so I really cannot recommend kissing Centipede Demon as it just doesn’t seem all that interested in it.
#24: Gaping Dragon
Alright, so when you first meet the Gaping Dragon, its cute little alligator snoot does look pretty kissable. You could very easily give that shiny round nose a smooch. As the rest of the Gaping Dragon reveals itself, however, the prospect of a kiss becomes much more complicated. The Gaping Dragon wins points for its silly little head, but the rest of its whole deal very quickly brings its score into the negative.
#23: The Bed of Chaos
This thing ain’t even got a mouth, it’s just fire and roots. Kissin’ trees is fine if you’re into that but they should be nice trees, and The Bed of Chaos is demonstrably hostile. I also don’t think you should encourage bad behavior (read: frustrating puzzle bosses) with undeserved smooches. Ranked higher than the Gaping Dragon or Centipede Demon on account of being just way, way more pleasant to look at and be around.
#22: Pinwheel
Have you ever heard the saying, “when you marry someone you also marry their family?” Well that’s how things are with Pinwheel, except you’ll be kissing the whole family too. It’s pretty upsetting, I can’t recommend it.
#21: Manus, Father of the Abyss
The internet is really into “daddies” right now, but Manus might be one worth avoiding. His dad bod is a little uneven, even by dad bod standards, and while the whole “corrupting people against their will” thing might sound sexy in a dom kinda way, dude has way too long a history of actual manipulation for it to be worth the risk.
#20: Demon Firesage
As an on-fire version of the Asylum and Stray Demons (who we’ll talk about in just a moment), Demon Firesage takes everything bad about the this class of demon and amps it up by being on fire at all times. It wins kiss points for technically having lips, but loses them for the otherwise grisly nature of its visage. The creature’s big bouncin’ booty was also taken into heavy consideration, which is why it ranks as highly as it does.
#19: Stray Demon
Players can actually see the Stray Demon through the bars of the very first hallway in the Undead Asylum, but won’t actually get to fight it until they return much later in the game. That said, whether through the bars or face to face, we don’t really recommend kissing the Stray Demon, as it magically explodes anyone who tries to get near it. You may think that you can fix someone, but trust me, commitment issues aren’t something you can love away.
#18: Asylum Demon
The last of the Big Booty Demon Triplets (an official term used in Miyazaki’s secret diaries), the Asylum Demon has the courtesy of patiently waiting for the player to figure out how to perform a jumping attack before initiating combat. There’s a limit to that patience, of course, but I very much appreciate the sentiment, and thus consider the Asylum Demon to be the most kissable of the three. Thoughtfulness is sexy.
#17: Ceaseless Discharge
Okay, yes, Ceaseless Discharge is a towering inferno of lava and terrifying bug limbs, but you gotta understand that dude has had a very hard life. He lost the special ring his sisters made him, and then they all died in various ways, and now he just hangs out guarding one of their corpses. Ceaseless Discharge would really, really appreciate some affection, I’m betting.
#16: Taurus Demon
There’s something to be said for being pursued — that feeling of being wanted by someone can be very intoxicating. The situation can quickly become uncomfortable if things are taken too far though, especially when the pursuer is a 20 foot tall minotaur with an exposed stone skull. Still, it is pretty fuzzy, so the cuddles might be good.
#15: Bell Gargoyles
The Bell Gargoyles are one of those “package deal” kinda scenarios that make getting involved a little dicey. Even if you really like one of them, are you ready for this kind of lifestyle? Things get so complicated so fast, and while there are plenty of people who can make this kinda thing work, are you one of those people? Please think carefully before kissing a Bell Gargoyle.
#14: Capra Demon
The Capra Demon keeps itself in impeccable shape, and I respect the amount of self-discipline required to maintain a body like that, but I’m not sure I could get past the demonic goat head, especially if smooching is our main goal. Not to mention the pack of ravenous dogs that it insists on bringing everywhere, there isn’t a Ruth’s Chris left in this city that will take a reservation from this guy.
#13: Four Kings
Another package deal, the Four Kings come with the added allure of royalty. Why settle for a prince when you can have a king, and why settle for a king when you can have Four Kings? Unfortunately, their total corruption at the hands of the Abyss has turned them into gigantic, unrecognizable monstrosities, and good luck ever getting them out of the Abyss to see a movie or get dinner or something.
#12: Iron Golem
If you like a big boy, they don’t get much bigger than the Iron Golem. It’s not really clear if this guy actually has a face, per se, or is just an animate set of armor like Al in Fullmetal Alchemist. Does he even have the capacity of enjoying a smooch? Can he feel at all? Important things to ask at the start of the relationship, in my opinion. Still, Iron Golem ranks here because the actual act of kissing wouldn’t be too unpleasant, unless it was below freezing, in which case it would probably be pretty dangerous.
#11: Seath the Scaleless
If you do decide to kiss Seath, just be careful and know what you’re getting into. He’ll sweet talk you with a bunch of precious stones and try to seduce you with his exceptionally smooth skin, but you know homeboy got an ulterior motive. Dude’s whole deal is that he’s an ancient, historical betrayer, and once a cheater, always a cheater. Good for a fling, but don’t let yourself get hurt.
#10: Black Dragon Kalameet
We all want what we can’t have, and what’s more unattainable than one of the last ancient dragons lost to time? Plus, Kalameet has arguably the coolest horns of all the dragons in Dark Souls, and that long snout looks like it’s tailor made for being hugged. Ask before smooching the forehead gem though, dragon mating rituals may have special rules about forehead gems.
#9: Moonlight Butterfly
Literally just a huge butterfly, but a really pretty one. Would kiss but maybe not accept a kiss back, on account of the surely enormous proboscis.
#8: Sanctuary Guardian
As kissable as a giant flying lion possibly could be. We only see Sanctuary Guardian in attack mode in Dark Souls, but we’re sure that under normal circumstances, this big fella is probably as cuddly as a tabby cat. I’d put an oven mitt over that stinger though, accidents happen.
#7: Gravelord Nito
Who could ask for a more perfect goth boyfriend than a being made entirely of skeletons? Kissing with Nito is likely to be a quantity over quality situation however, on account of him having no skin. But hundreds and hundreds of skulls, you could be “kissed” on your entire body at once, and who among us hasn’t thought about something along those lines, skeletons or not?
#6: Gwyn, Lord of Cinder
While some may see him as misguided, I recognize Gwyn as being someone who isn’t afraid of making sacrifices. That kind of selflessness goes a long way in a relationship, provided that it doesn’t degrade into a manipulative form of martyrdom, which may or may not be the situation with Gwyn. Still, if you’re looking for a Dark Souls Daddy, Gwyn is a clearly superior choice over Manus.
#5: Knight Artorias
One of the very few defensibly good people in all of Dark Souls, Knight Artorias is the quintessential knight in shining armor. Heroic, stoic, loyal, and brave, Artorias has everything a kisser could want in a classical, romance novel sorta way. For the purposes of this experiment, we’re considering Artorias in his pre-corruption form, as his heel turn to the Abyss was involuntary, after he gallantly attempted to save all of creation from Manus.
#4: Chaos Witch Quelaag
If you can get past the fact that the bottom half of her body is an enormous, lava-oozing spider demon, Quelaag’s charisma and magnetism is undeniable. Her radiant beauty aside, Quelaag has devoted her life to the care of protection of her ill sister, and that compassion is what really makes me want to plant a big wet one on Quelaag. Heck, I’ll kiss the spider mouth too if it rinses out the lava first, she’s worth it.
#3: Crossbreed Priscilla
Priscilla’s life has been complicated, and she has a lot of trust issues as a result. Just as many people have been disgusted by/with her existence as have heavily fetishized her, which is why she so deeply values the solitude of the Painted World of Ariamis, despite it also being her prison. So please, only go after Priscilla if you really mean it. I’m talkin’ make or break, ride or die levels of commitment. In it for the potentially-infinite long haul. She’s been hurt before and doesn’t have time to play games.
#2: Dark Sun Gwyndolin
Real talk, Gwyndolin’s whole deal is very complicated. The character’s gender identity is still a subject of debate, and their ultimate portrayal as a mastermind of deceit and misdirection is deeply problematic. I recommend taking 12 minutes to read this article, which does a good job of breaking down the issues that come with Gwyndolin’s positioning in the lore.
All that said — absolutely would kiss without reservation, snakes and all.
#1: Sif, the Great Grey Wolf
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who did such a good job learning to fight with daddy’s sword? Is it you? Is it you? Yes it’s you! It’s you! Mmmmmmmmmuah!
