It’s the 25th anniversary of my favorite video game of all time, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars! Originally released for the Super Nintendo in Japan on March 9, 1996, this colorful game was developed by Square and published before Nintendo. While there are a myriad of absolutely amazing qualities about this game, we aren’t going to be talking about any of them. Look at the party we can talk all about the superb score, sharp writing, and great battle mechanics, but first, we need to put together a guest list.
Super Mario RPG has a very big cast and some are way more deserving of an invite to the 25th-anniversary celebration. Here are 15 characters that will not be welcomed to the party (but will probably show up and ruin everything anyway).
1. Booster
God, I can hear this bearded weirdo’s theme song whenever I look at him. One of the main antagonists, Booster kidnaps Princess Peach in the hopes of marrying her. While his tower is quite stylish and his facial hair game is on point, I have to unfortunately remove him from the guest list. He tries to make everything about him and will absolutely hit on all the guests during the party. Booster’s also dumber than a pile of Dry Bones, unable to grasp simple concepts such as a wedding or looking up. Plus, he rolls around with an entourage of Snifits who were most assuredly not invited.
2. Chandeli-ho
I’m only including this Shy Guy because Chandeli-ho is a very good name and it deserves some credit for holding up a heavy chandelier all day. But he also drops it and could smash everyone, which isn’t ideal.
3. Carroboscis
It’s a giant, sentient carrot. That’s the whole gimmick. Setting aside this enemy can turn you into a scarecrow, who wants a talking vegetable at a party? Don’t get me wrong I like carrot cake. What I’m not a fan of is the carrot talking back or trying to eat me.
4. Valentina
100% certified bad bitch. The boss of Nimbus Land, Valentina just showed up in this town, locked the rulers in their bedroom, and convinced everyone she’s their new leader. Valentina then took over the entire city and installed herself as the new queen without spilling a drop of blood. “But Collin, she’s one of the villains!” Yes, but she also has a giant armored bird as a bodyguard and hovers around on a massive banana, so your argument is irrelevant. Okay, maybe I would invite Valentina, but she probably wouldn’t even come to my party.
5. Octolot/Octovader
Full disclosure, I still don’t fully know what is going on with this enemy. It’s a tiny octopus just holding onto two flying Koopa shells like their balloons. First off, is being able to hover a mere foot off the ground somehow an advantage for this little fella? Where did it get the shells? Has it murdered two Koopas just to possess the nature-defying power of flying 12 inches in the air? I can already feel it trying that to work into every conversation. Just leave me alone Octolot, I’m trying to enjoy some cake!
5. Frogrogs
My guy, why are you wearing a belt and no pants??? Look I get the relationship between RPGs and belts is like Mario and mushroom addiction, but I’m begging you Frogrog to purchases some britches. Wait, is the belt holding up his skin? Nope. No. We aren’t going down that rabbit hole. Sorry. Moving on.
6. Heavy Troopa
It’s a fat Koopa and would probably eat more than its share of cake. Who cares.
Back to Frogrog. Do you think the belt is part of its body? Like when you’re a child Frogrog do you also have a tiny belt that just grows with you? If so, can you take the belt off? It’s possible this is just holding up a diaper, which honestly makes me feel bad about fighting Frogrog. I mean, if you already have to wear a diaper I imagine you’re life already sucks or you’re a baby. Is Mario beating up babies? Okay, I swear I’m done talking about Frogrog we have to move on.
7. Jester
Nightmare clown that probably failed an audition for Final Fantasy VI’s Kefka and now does children’s birthday parties.
Look I’m sorry to dwell on this but Mario beating up babies wouldn’t be that big of a surprise. I mean, he has already proven his willingness to sacrifice Yoshi to jump an extra few feet. He also possesses denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom without their consent, so I guess abusing a poor diaper-wearing amphibian child isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. Now I just feel bad for beating up Frogrog… I think I’m going to just go lie down for a little.
8. Bowyer
What the fuck am I even looking at? Like, I know it’s supposed to be a bow, but what the fuck? Everything about this guy sucks. His stupid haircut, terrible mismatched colors, and the fact he has to scream almost every line of dialogue. He’s the type of person to inject himself into every conversation, regardless if it has anything to do with him. No Bowyer, we don’t want to hear about how many arrows you shot. Please leave me alone.
9. Jawfuls
Something tells me Jawful never leaves the house without his big fork. Even though we are in a pandemic and I appreciate the thought, this really isn’t necessary. We have plenty of normal-sized utensils that are designed to skewer food, not Toads.
10. Chef Torte
Chef Torte binge-watched Chopped on Hulu and now thinks he knows everything about food. Get ready for every dish you prepared to be critiqued by this Gordon Ramsey wannabe while simultaneously being corrected about the pronunciation of mozzarella. You made a murder cake, literally no one is impressed by your cooking.
11. Boshi
“What if Yoshi was a bad boy?” Sporting dark sunglasses, talons, and a spiked collar, Boshi leans into this archetype a little too much. He’s like that kid in high school that thought smoking in the bathroom was some big rebellious act and would never take off his shades indoors. Look, Boshi isn’t the worst offender on this list, but I really don’t need some dinosaur sarcastically commenting about everything.
12. Yaridovich
Screw this stupid shapeshifting robot. To hell with his ability to clone himself, use a bunch of magic attacks, have an obnoxious amount of health, and only being weak to electric moves. This guy was the bane of my childhood and killed me more than any boss in Super Mario RPG. I can vividly remember Yaridovich constantly making a duplicate of himself and wiping my party in one turn. He doesn’t even look intimidating! It’s just a sentient spear with one of those weird radars from Death Stranding on his back. Fuck Yardiovish and all my homies hate Yaridovich.
Whew, I feel better now.
13. Crooks
Its name is Crooks and this enemy’s whole gimmick is stealing things. Do I really need to explain why inviting this thing to a party would be a bad idea?
14. Mallow
This one might seem like a weird choice since Mallow is one of the five party members in the game, but hear me out. Mallow is the prince of Nimbus Land and has the ability to control the weather. The problem is, Mallow isn’t particularly good at keeping his emotions in check. So if he cries, like he does pretty much about everything, a massive rainstorm will appear out of thin air. Organizing a party is hard enough, I shouldn’t need to worry about the weather randomly changing because someone made a joke at Mallow’s expense.
15. Belome
Setting aside the fact that it’s a mutant dog with four eyes and (are those ears or horns?), Belome’s most notable quality is that it eats people whole. While this is definitely useful if you want to pursue a career in sword swallowing, devouring party guests is simply bad manners.
