Like any MMORPG, Final Fantasy XIV offers its players a gluttonous buffet of ways to kill time. The best dish on offer, by far its flashiest and most engaging content, exists in instanced cooperative boss battles called Trials. These pit you against all kinds of gigantic, world-ending threats, and the most common of these enemies are godlike creatures called primals. Every primal is The Secret’ed into existence when the faith and desperate need of their followers is fed into a truckload of magic energy crystals and given physical form.
Since primals are just desires made flesh, literally all of them are super hot. Unfortunately, they only show up as boss encounters, and the game’s story never gives us much personality or character development for them. This tragedy, greater even than the Seventh Umbral Calamity, must be undone. As a bisexual monster-loving shithead who roleplays in Final Fantasy XIV, I am not the most qualified person to write dialogue or backgrounds for the primals, but I am willing to use the tools I have been given. Using passive-aggression and unstoppable thirst, I have created online dating profiles for six of these gigantic aether-fuelled beings.
Ifrit
Big f*cking fire demon looking for a good time with no strings attached. Any gender is cool, but you gotta have a fat ass. I don’t wanna be your boyfriend, so don’t fall in love with me lol. Message me for tail pics…… you won’t be disappointed 😉
Much like the 4-player trial where you fight him, Ifrit’s whole deal is pretty straightforward. If you’ve ever wanted to fuck the Balrog from The Lord of the Rings, and god damn do I ever, Ifrit is your guy. As attractive as he is, Ifrit’s novelty wears off quickly. You’ll get bored of making out to Good Charlotte’s 2002 album The Young and the Hopeless in an apartment with no furniture, and move on to other primals with more interesting boss battles.
Shiva
Pansexual, proudly polyamorous, intersectional feminist, and cat mom. Drumpf wants us to be miserable, so loving each other is an act of revolution. Let’s talk about cartoons over Starbucks, cuddle, and see if we can maybe be more than comrades. Not Hindu or desi I just thought the name was cool :3. Solidarity with Hindus, though. “All you need is love” -Chinese proverb.
You know how the Hamilton fandom creates staggering amounts of horny, anachronistic American revolution fanfic? Shiva is Eorzea’s Hamilton OC. An ancient elven political leader reimagined by her fans as a femdom ice witch with her tiddies out, Shiva the primal is a well-intentioned rebel whose understanding of history comes from her high school textbook and Noam Chomsky’s wikiquote page.
Thordan
It takes a great man to lead, and a righteous man to follow. To be righteous and great, I lead others in following Him. The Lord is my shepherd, and I am the alpha sheep.
No tattoos, no promiscuous women, no piercings other than ears. I prefer women who don’t wear makeup. Elf preferred, but I am not racist and have dated tall humans before.
A towering, fleshy suit of armor who looks like a warframe based on Oliver Cromwell, Thordan is the Chick Fil A of primals. He is the elf-pope’s mechsona built from generations of religious dogma and blind hatred, and I am deeply ashamed to admit that he can still get it. Thordan would ghost and then slutshame you to his men’s group at church, but at least the sex would be pretty good.
Titan
Just a regular guy who likes video games, cars, and screaming real loud in the glittering heart of a topaz mountain. No drama, no hookups, looking for the Fran to my Balthier. I don’t do smalltalk and want someone to be genuine with. Message me if you love kobolds and would rather hang out in your pajamas watching netflix than go to a fancy bar. Go Pats!
Don’t let Titan’s rocky exterior fool you, this big boy wears his huge, glowing heart on his sleeve, which must be attacked before you can damage his main health bar. Titan is a dummy thick himbo who will send you ancient advice animal reddit memes, but he’s also concerningly needy. Titan needs you to be close to him at all times, and he is willing to destroy his own home to make sure it stays that way. Short flings with Titan can be fun, but any attempt at something more serious or long-term will likely end in disaster.
Garuda
Life coach, wine lover, extreme bargain hunter, wife material. Let’s go on an adventure! I work hard and I play harder. Looking for a partner in crime who’s worth my time. Don’t message me unless you’re serious.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit”- Margaret Thatcher
The apotheosis of the popular white musical theatre girl, Garuda loves to be casually and inspirationally fatphobic in her selfie captions. She has strong opinions about mindfulness and college football, but she’s clever and can still be fun to hang out with. It probably won’t work out between you two, though. Garuda’s too focused on making her dog Instagram famous to spend much energy on a possible relationship.
Ultima Weapon
Entrepreneur, skeptic, aspiring youtuber. I’m a sapiosexual looking for someone with an open mind and an aptitude for debate. I have no tolerance for fake friends and even less for potential partners who put on an act just to seem likeable. Just say what you mean, you vapid airheads. I’ve had multitudinous ill-fated love affairs trying to date traditionally, so here I am trusting in the miracle of technology to help me find a mate. Mayhaps, that is you.
While technically an ancient magitek death robot, Ultima Weapon is a huge sentient construct possessing unspeakable power, which makes them a primal in all but name. Ultima Weapon is a hot android centaur who primarily devotes the attention of their massive brain to defending billionaires on social media and sneeringly calling various religious texts “fairy tales”. No matter how much you want to ride this terminator pony, the cost of having a conversation with them is far too steep. Avoid at all costs.
